Silver lining

Chilly Cheese Omelette is number five on my list of favourite comfort foods. My earliest memory of making these were for my sister Priyankaa. Today, as I treat myself to No. 5 (with a glass of Sonoma’s Sebastiani Merlot; an absolute find from my friends at Planet of the Grapes) I miss my sister very, very much. She’s pretty amazing and the most important person in my life. But close as we are I have needed a space separate from her this last month. And from many others who have been my best cheerleaders come rain or… rain (this is London after all).

Recently I have found support from an unlikely quarter. SP is family but we never connected until now. She said to me, “It takes time – lots of it – the point is to not lose sight of the things that bring you joy.” So in my quest for joy I signed up for a cupcake decoration workshop with The Make Lounge off Upper Street. I have only ever met one person who didn’t like cupcakes. Forgive her Cake Lords for she knows not what she misses  –  scrumptious drops of heaven adorned with butter cream icing.

Like many others, I find creating something with my hands therapeutic. As I mould marzipan into delicate roses I relax for the first time in weeks. I received a call from the Ex a few days ago and haven’t been ready to process the muddle of emotions that swept me when I answered that phone; until now that is.

He shattered my world when he walked out on me. I have some distance now to think about what hurts so much. It wasn’t that the spark flew out of the relationship, or a terrible misunderstanding that would clear up if one of us gave in. It was a rejection of the best version of me and the worst part was that he couldn’t find it in himself to give me a real reason.

You know what its like when you really want something? And you don’t know whether you really want it or that you’ve waited for it for so long that you ought to want it? And then it comes knocking on your door? That’s what the call felt like. He wanted… wait for it… to get back together. And in that moment I knew the answer to Elie’s question.

I suppose without forgiveness old wounds will never heal. And the most we can   hope for, is that in time we will forget. As I sprinkle silver stardust on my purple heart I have started to let go. I have to.

-p